(Author's note: this is the closest thing you'll get to men's fashion advice in this column...)
There seems to be a movement afoot wherein grown men become
very conscious about the contents of their pockets. The movement is called EDC,
which is an acronym for Every Day Carry. While I will wholeheartedly agree that
grown men typically have responsibilities that require the lugging about of
certain material goods, the movement has taken on an air of man-boy dress up. I
get that adult life can indeed take some very weird turns, and as a good Boy
Scout you should “Be Prepared”. Sometimes that train of thought can run on some
pretty bizarre tracks.
Case in point, in researching one of the many blogs
dedicated to EDC, readers of the blog take some sort of photo of their “EDC
Kit” and post it up for other readers to comment upon. One thing that struck
me, is that most of the photos had far more crap in them than most folks carry
on a daily basis. One sample had a full size 1911 handgun, a spare mag, a small
revolver, two flashlights, and (no kidding) three knives as well as one
multi-tool. I doubt very seriously any grown man packs that much crap on a
daily basis going about a workaday life- even a workaday life that might
involve physical violence. One thing curiously absent was a key ring. Given the
presumption that the poster was indeed a grown man, one would assume you’d have
some level of responsibility for managing a key of some sort. Close to 10
pounds of steel rummaging around in your pockets or belt and no key to a house,
car, office, etc. I call Walter Mitty on this one.
One of the things that also struck me strange is the
counterpoise to the entire EDC movement, which is The Minimalists. It is not unusual for these folks to not carry much at
all-no watch, no wedding band, only a tiny sliver of aluminum or leather that
holds a driver’s license and a couple of credit cards. No cash, certainly
nothing in the way of a firearm, no pocketknife. About the only thing for
certain is a giant, honking smart phone which might very well replace a full
sized computer in their home. It is as if any sort of material good is a
physical encumbrance that goes beyond what is acceptable. A wallet or watch
might slow them down or tax their stamina beyond the limit. I’ve even seen ads
for a new smartphone technology that eliminates the need for a credit or ATM
card- your phone can be used to get cash or pay for purchases directly. Sounds
like a complete disaster.
So here is my view from middle age in my not so humble
opinion on what every grown man ought to carry on a daily basis.
The required…
1.
Wallet- if you’re a grown man, you need a
wallet. Period. You’ll need to carry some form of ID, most likely an ATM and
credit card, insurance card, a photo of the family for the married man (or a
list of phone numbers for the bachelor). In my youth, I’d sure hate to trust
the number of a knock out redhead I just met to some digital ether. And
speaking of phone numbers, a grown man ought to have a business card or two in
there. Nothing fancy, but opportunity strikes when you least expect it. A
wallet also needs to be leather. A nylon number that closes with Velcro is fine
if you’re in junior high- adulthood is different. A well-made wallet can outlast you. A wallet
with a chain attached to your belt? Do I really need to go there?
2.
Cash- to go in that wallet. There is nothing
that points to adolescence like being financially naked. There is simply no
excuse for a grown man to be rolling around with just a couple of bucks. While
I’ll admit there is a practical limit here; a man should be able to buy a tire,
buy dinner, and buy a few groceries or a tank of gas without whipping out the plastic.
A surprising number of life’s minor disasters can be readily solved by the
application of a couple of Benjamins. Nothing says “adult” like paying the
dinner tab (and the tip) with a single bill of currency in the check and
walking out of the restaurant.
3.
Watch- a grown man is going to have some level
of responsibility. Part of that responsibility involves getting to places on
time. Punctuality is the basic level of respect you give other people- give it
and expect it from others. I know your dang phone has a clock on it, I get it;
but a man looking at his watch and a man looking at his phone portrays two very
different messages. I can subtlety (or not so subtlety) glance at my watch and
frown at some chatty Kathy to let them know that I value my time and have more
pressing matters to attend to. Looking at your phone just makes you one more of
zombiefied masses so common today.
And
speaking of a watch, it needs to do two things- tell the time and tell the date.
Gadgetry need not apply. Calculator watches were cool when you were a kid and
there is simply no need for a watch with an altimeter and GPS to keep you
moving smoothly through your day. A giant dive watch is only appropriate if
you’re a professional diver or a submarine captain (you’re neither so don’t).
The construction of a watch is also important. A jewel encrusted golden
monstrosity identifies you as a cheesy used car salesman or some other similar
over-compensator trying desperately to impress when you bring nothing of value
to the table. A plastic digital watch is practical and frugal- but as a man of
some means you get some leeway here- a stainless or titanium watch is always a
good move and appropriate everywhere in all situations. A good watch is an
investment, spend some of that hard earned money and you only need one. (Ladies,
a nice classic watch is the perfect gift).
4.
Jewelry. Unless we’re talking a wedding band,
don’t. Class rings, frat rings, etc. are a nice memento but have no place in an
adult wardrobe. In a similar vein, bracelets, chains, pinky rings, etc. make
you look like a complete douche. A man’s jewelry is a wedding band and a watch.
Period. And speaking of wedding bands- an appropriate wedding band is plain. A
woman’s engagement ring and wedding band is a sign of prowess and status. A
man’s wedding band is your wife marking her territory, no need for flash here.
Metal type isn’t particularly important; gold is traditional, platinum is
really too soft for a man’s ring and titanium and other exotic materials are
just fine and perhaps more practical. The newer “action bands” made of plastic
or silicon are tacky. If you’re engaged in high risk activities like sky
diving, MMA fighting or running a machine mill where a ring presents a hazard…just
take it off. Tattooed wedding bands? Just no.
5.
Pocket knife- carry a dang knife…you are not a
child. Unless you’re on a plane then you should have a knife in your pocket.
There is no need to go wild here. A knife is man’s first tool and contrary to
all the shrinking violets out there- a knife is a terrible weapon. As a grown
man you will undoubtedly have to open mail, open a box, cut a rope or some
other similar task that requires a blade. A giant knife is generally not
required, after all I’ve butchered a bull moose with a 3” folding knife and
bigger would have been a hindrance rather than a help. Multi-tools can be handy
but on most folks they look as nerdy as packing a shortwave radio. A good
quality knife says a lot about the man carrying it and the world is chock full
of perfectly acceptable ones. Oh, it should be sharp, a dull knife carries a
message too… a bad one.
6.
Key ring- as a grown up you likely have some
keys. You’re probably in a senior enough position to warrant a key to the
office or other workplace. You should have a key to the house or apartment.
Despite the proclivity of automakers to drift toward keyless cars, most of you
will need an automotive key, depending on locale- you’ll have a post office box
key. A simple key ring is fine. They’re keys, not a fashion statement. Needless
to say, you should avoid nonsense key fobs like fart noise makers and what not.
A functional key fob like an LED button light is totally ok. If your key ring
looks like you work at the county jail, you might need to rethink what you’re
packing around. Needless to say, a beer bottle opener on your key ring
identifies you as a juvenile who lacks either an imagination or a rudimentary
understanding of physics.
7.
Phone- adult life will almost certainly require
you to carry a phone in the modern era. Consider it a necessary evil or a minor
inconvenience at best. The zombie hordes run around all day staring into their
phones oblivious to everything around them. That’s stupid- while rare, if you
walk around in Condition White all the time someone might cut off your head and
put it on a stick. Be present where you are and for God’s sake, don’t look at
your stupid phone while being addressed by your superiors. It’s rude, and they
won’t forget it.
As an aside on the phone: Texting.
Texts are for limited communications… like “Can you pick up a gallon of milk?”
with the response of ”Will do.” That’s texting appropriately. If you need to
carry on a long discourse with several decision points just call them- you have
a phone in your hand after all. The younger generation seems to have forgotten
that phones are for talking. I’m in the minority here, but I hate texting. It’s
the lowest echelon of human communication.
The maybe….
8.
A pistol- lots of fluff on this one. Some folks
habitually carry a firearm and others do so vocationally. I’ve got no issue
with either provided it’s kept within the limits of reasonable. I’ve seen a
number of folks packing heat in the open; it’s legal here but it still makes
you look like a mouth breather man-boy playing livestock movement technicians
and indigenous peoples (unless you also happen to be wearing a uniform). A gun
is not a fashion or political statement, and anyone who tries to make one
either needs a serious butt kicking.
Packing heat should be a serious and discreet
activity for a lot of good reasons and that means concealed. That would favor
smaller weapons and given the popularity of concealed carry in the modern era,
makers produce a whole host of suitable pieces. A look at someone’s daily carry
gives you a good idea of their occupation, their level of paranoia, or more likely
their proclivity to fantasies about zombies and foreign invasions. Most of the
opinion on knives and watches translates here- too big is bad, too gadgety is
bad, too tiny is bad. If you find it required to pack a service pistol, a
reload and a smaller revolver on top of that I would suggest either a new job,
a shrink or a new zip code.
The “Just say no”….
There is a never ending list of
paraphernalia that folks carry around. I’ve seen tactical flashlights on a lot
of lists- could be handy in a given situation but most likely not in everyday
life. I’ve seen some pretty esoteric stuff too- like a 6” long titanium prybar.
I have to wonder how often a guy might suddenly need a prybar without warning
and if you did how well a 6” version would work. I’ve also seen a whole host of
miniaturized tools. As a guy who’s done a lot of mechanical work, substitutions
for actual tools usually just spell disaster in the form of busted knuckles and
stripped bolts. I know the appeal is that you’ll suddenly need a 10mm wrench
and your savvy preparations will save the day when you effect whatever repair
with a mini tool you just happened to have in your pocket. Truth be told,
you’ll spend $50 for a worthless titanium piece of stock with a 10mm EDM hole
in it that you’ll forget about every single time you need a 10mm wrench. It
will then live in the bottom of a drawer or your glove box forever.
I’m a wilderness guy and have a
whole kit of goods that I take there. On a lot of folk’s lists I saw a lot of
fire-making kits, compasses, small axes, and one guy claimed to EDC a breakdown
spear point. Given that most of these folks are straight up urban cube rats, I
find it hard to believe that on the way to the office they’ll suddenly need a
friction fire, a fresh cut sapling to make a fish spear and to navigate cross
country out of the blue. There’s prepared and then there’s out of touch with
reality.
To end my rant, I get that modern
life has stripped a lot out of masculinity. Being a man who makes his living
staring into an illuminated rectangle all day certainly doesn’t have a
satisfying snap like gunning down big game and roasting its flesh over an open
flame does. I even get that in today’s precarious times that the downward tug
of a pound and a half of stainless steel .45 automatic on your hip sure does
ease the apprehension about driving through certain parts of town. We’re men,
it is part of our ethos to be the prepared, to be the fixer, the problem
solver. For many of us, that’s a part of life that is sorely lacking. But
buying a whole bunch of bespoke gadgets to fill your pockets with won’t fill
the void, for that you need confidence and you earn that with callouses.
